


Memory Lapse

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: F/M, Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-31
Updated: 2007-01-31
Packaged: 2018-11-11 01:59:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11138931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: When Meg looses her memory while overseas working with the RCMP it is Ben job to help her find it again.





	Memory Lapse

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Memory Lapse

## Memory Lapse

  
by Kelleth Metheus  


Story Notes: Any Episode with Meg and Fraser in it.

* * *

Inspector Margret Thatcher stared into the hole in the ground that they had begun to excavate, behind her there were tents set up to move the bodies to once they had been photographed and cataloged. Inside one of the tent autopsies were done and the information was added to the database, that they hoped would allow some of these people to be identified.  
  
Meg squeezed her eyes shut as she bent down to examine the next body, this one a child. Her child might have been this old if she had said yes to Ben. She could have his curly hair and his blue eyes, Meg shut of the memories and her emotions. She had made her choice and it had led here her and she had a job to do. Forensics, if Meg had known those night classes at Chicago university and an associate degree would lead her here, she never would have begun. After leaving CSIS a few months ago she had worked in Kamloops and now she was here in Europe helping the Canadian Military with the mass graves.  
  
Once she was done Meg motioned for the little girls body to be removed. Meg watched the girl disappear and then stood. She walked a few paces away breathing heavily as she tried to gain control of her emotions. They threatened to overwhelm her, she was close to breaking down, but she had to continue. Meg turned to go back when she felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to find one of the Military Police, who were assisting, this one was a ballistics expert, "Why don't you take a break. Go get some water or throw up if you need to. I do it all the time."  
  
At one time Meg would have bitten this man's head off for suggesting she was weak, but when they had first met he told her about the first experiences at these mass graves. He was not telling her to take a break because he was female but because she was a human with emotions.  
  
Nodding her head Meg walked away trying to forget the little girl who had died so horribly. She wrapped her arms around herself wishing there was someone to hold her and tell her everything would be alright. Her thoughts turned again to Ben and she wondered where he was now. If she closed her eyes she could almost feel his arms around her. Being so caught up in her memories Meg did not hear the vehicle drive up and the gun fire.  
  
Two men jumped out and grabbed her, pulling her into the vehicle. Meg tried to scream but one of the men hit her. She fell on the floor beside three other Canadians. They were all dressed in fatigues like she was, but she was the only woman. They bound her hands behind her back and she kicked out at one of them, catching him where it hurts. The man pulled her to her feet and hit her again. This time she fell against the side of the vehicle and she welcomed the blackness as she called for Ben. *** "Benton I need you. Help me." Benton Fraser sat up right in bed with a jerk. He was covered in sweat and breathing heavy from his dream. He ran his hand over his face and glanced at the clock. It was almost time to get up no use in trying to sleep more. Three months of having this dream and he was still no closer to find Meg. The RCMP and the Canadian Military had found the insurgent group responsible, but Meg had not been in the compound when they raided. The three other officers who had been snatched at the same time were. The said that once Meg found out they had families and children at home she had taken their beatings as well as her own. Meg stood up to the captures and diverted their attention from the other men to her, until one day she lapsed into unconsciousness and would not wake up. She had disappeared after that, they did not know what happened to her.   
  
When asked her captures said they had left her in some field as a message that they were serious. Too bad they had not go it, because now she was probably dead. But she was fun while she lasted. When Ben had read that report he had thrown up. How could some one be that sick? He wanted to hate these men but he only felt pity for them, they now had to live with what they had done.  
  
Ben had not given up hope, Meg was not dead, the dream confirmed it. He just had to wait for her to be found. Some days after waking from that dream Ben wanted to jump on a plane and fly over there to look for her, but all Ben could do was wait. He did not have the resources needed to find her. Those people were doing all they could to find her, and she would eventually be found.   
  
After his shower Ben pulled on a pair of regular uniform pants and he could not help but sigh. Three and half years of jodhpurs and red serge it felt good each day to put on regular uniform pants and shirt, but he still wore his boots. They had been through a lot together and he could not bring himself to wear the regulation black ones.   
  
He grabbed a piece of bread from the loaf in the kitchen and with a pat on Dief's head he went out to his truck. Ben was glad that for the northern detachments they had moved to pickups it make getting around so much easier in these rural areas, but he still kept his dog team. They proved useful sometimes, well most of the winter.  
  
At the detachment Fraser made his usual calls after the dream. They still had nothing to report. Canadian Forces had found the field where she had been dumped, but there were no signs of Meg or her body. It had been a little over a week since the insurgent claimed to have dumped her and three days since the raid. Meg needed to turn up soon of they would stop looking.   
  
Every night for a week Ben had the same dream. Each time he woke with her screaming for his help as she fought of someone and he could do nothing to help her. In his dream Ben fought to get to her but it was like walking through deep water. It came so often in the night hat Ben was surviving on less than two hours of sleep.  
  
He was about to go over there himself when he received a call. Meg was in a displaced persons camp and they needed someone to go in and get her. She had no memory, but they had finger printed her and she came up as Meg Thatcher, the Canadian RCMP officer, who was missing. The RCMP wanted to know if he was willing to go over seas and get her. Ben did not hesitate to agree; he requested all the documentation needed to get her out. They booked all the flights he would need to get in and out.  
  
The man on the other line said he would be sending Ben a fax with her injuries so that he would know what to expect when he arrived. Ben thanked the man and the hung up. With a call to Maggie he arranged for her to take Diefenbaker while he was gone and went home to pack.  
  
He stuffed only the essentials into his hiking pack and he was ready to catch his flight. In his pocket was the fax listing her injuries, but he could not bring himself to read it yet. Ben locked the cabin and he was on his way. Someone from Canadian Military was to meet him at JFK airport when he changed flights there. That person would have all the travel documents he would need for himself and Meg.  
  
On the plane from New York Ben finally pulled out the fax, then man who had met him there had given him some of Meg clothes and her documents. The camp had been notified he was coming all he had to do was go in and get her. He then had to take her to the places she would know to help her get her memory back.   
  
Now he needed to know so that he was ready for her. He opened the fax and read it quickly. Ben crumpled the paper in his hand and shoved it into his pocket again. Tears formed in his eyes and he squeezed them shut, but words were still there. Severely beaten, bullet graze at left temple, repeated rape, pregnant, refuses to abort, left for dead in farmers field. Who would he find there, would Meg be shattered? Would she let him help her pick up the pieces, could he help her remember? Would she really want to?  
  
Ben eventually dropped off the sleep after his tears had been spent. Meg needed him and he was on his way. A few hours later he woke again to the call, "Benton, help me. I need you why have you not come for me yet? Where are you."  
  
The plane touched down and Ben impatiently waited his turn to disembark. He rented a four wheel drive vehicle and head off towards the camp. The Canadian Military man had given him directions and the camp was easy to find. It was still early morning and Ben knew he did not have much time, their flight was to leave in four hours. He had a very small window to find her, get her to trust him even though she would not remember him and get her out of the country.  
  
At the gate Ben showed his documentation and the letter from the Red Cross notifying the Canadian Government about their lost or found citizen. The guards waved him toward the hospital. She should be there or so they thought. Ben moved through the camp trying to find Meg, but all he saw was the misery around him. Children, men and women living in squalor. He wanted to take them all home with him, but he knew he could not. Tears ran down his cheeks, but he had to keep moving, the clock was ticking. Then all of a sudden there she was. Meg sat alone in a low tent staring off into space. Ben knelt slowly in front of her and reached out to her. She flinched and drew back, "Meg, It's Benton. I have come to take you home. Will you come with me?"  
  
Meg studied him, "You know me. They have been calling me Meg at the hospital for the last few days now, but she seems like a stranger. I was beginning to wonder if I exist. I did not know me nor did anyone else. Are you my husband or boyfriend?"  
  
Ben shook his head, "No just a friend, who missed you. We used to work together in Chicago at the Canadian consulate there. Does this sound familiar?"  
  
Meg closed her eyes while she tried to remember, but after a few minutes she shook her head, "I can see it, but what I did there and who you are is right there. I can almost see it but it slips away from me. Do you have any evidence that you know me? If you are my friend you should have some pictures or something."  
  
From his pocket he pulled out some pictures Turnbull had taken a various times during their stay at the consulate. Meg studied the pictures and then reached out and touched herself in one. She was dressed in her red serge and her hair was the longer style, she stood beside Benton who was looking at her and she at him. They had been unaware that the picture was being taken. It had capture both of them perfectly, "Is this really me? I was pretty." she reached up to touch her head. Her captures had shaved it and now there was a little bit of stubble.  
  
Ben reached out to touch her cheek again, but she flinched and he pulled his hand back, "You were beautiful and you still are."  
  
Meg looked up at him with tears in her eyes, "Do you really believe that? I am carrying a child of rape, does that make me beautiful still? Most people will not think so."  
  
Ben forced himself to keep his arms at his side, "Yes, I do. I see the strength inside you. Most people would just kill the child and be done with it. Meg, you refused to, because you refuse to punish a child who has done nothing wrong. You always wanted children, but you never had a chance to be a mother. Meg, you applied for adoption but you were turned down because of your job with the RCMP. It hurt you a lot. You never told anyone how much but I could tell. A light went out in your eyes." Tears came out of his eyes and ran down his cheeks, "Meg, I have been so worried about you. Will you come home with me? I know you don't remember anything. I lost my memory once and it is a scary thing. You don't know who you are or why you are where you are. You are Meg Thatcher, no matter if you ever get your memory back. If you come with me we can go find her or remake her."  
  
Meg watched this man who was so controlled, loose that control and cry for her. She could see in his eyes that he cared for her, suddenly the way he looked at her triggered something, a rushing wind the noise of a train and his words, "It's a runaway." Meg echoed the words and leaned closer to him.  
  
Ben knew what she had remembered and he moved away embarrassed that their contact was the first thing she would remember, "Yes, uhm," he tugged at his left ear as he felt his face go red, "Does this mean you remember?"  
  
Meg shook her head, "I know that you are a good man. I can remember that clearly, but what we were doing other than kissing on top of a train, I don't have any idea. But if I trusted you then, I can only hope that I can trust you now."  
  
"Meg I won't hurt you. Thank you for trusting me. Let's go and get you out of here. Gather anything you have." Ben offered her his hand and helped her stand.  
  
At the gate Ben produced the documents needed to get her out. They both had to fill out forms and sign them. Back at the airport they had a little time before the flight so Ben took a room at a hotel and let Meg shower and change before their flight.   
  
While she was in the shower he gathered the clothes that Meg had been wearing and took them outside and put them in a dumpster. He would have liked to burn them, but that was not an option. All clean and dressed in her own clothes Meg was ready to eat. The two of them looked good together both dressed in jeans and sweaters. People turned and stared at them as they walked through the airport. Some stared just at Meg with her nearly bald head, wondering and some even pointed. Meg said nothing, but Ben knew her well enough to tell that it was beginning to bother her. Ben pulled her into a store and bought her a baseball cap. It had some logo on it that meant nothing to either of them but it was red. He put it on her head and said, "Red suits you."  
  
She looked up at him and smiled for the first time since he had found her at the camp, "Thank you kindly, Ben."  
  
"Thank you Meg, for trusting me. Let's go grab something and by the time we are done it should be time to board the plane," he reached up to touch her face. He moved slowly and was rewarded with her moving even closer to pull him into a hug. She wrapped her arms and around him an laid her head on his chest.   
  
Ever since Meg had woken up in the camp's hospital she had been afraid of men, but here with Ben she felt safe, she was safe. As long as he was here no one would hurt her again. Emotions tumbled around in her mind. Who was this man and what had he meant to her, and why had she said goodbye to him? They had parted ways and it had been her choice not his.  
  
Ben held her in his arms and wished it did not have to end, but it did. He thought of the time since he had left her in Franklin Bay. He had gone northeast to look for the hand of Franklin with Stan and she had gone southeast to Toronto and he thought that he would never see her again. In his thoughts Meg was a missed chance for happiness, but now they had a second chance. His dad's words came back to him, "Son, sometimes all you need is a second chance." and here she was. He knew he had to be careful Meg was vulnerable now and he could not take advantage of her. She needed him to be strong and help her through this, "We need to go or we will miss our flight."  
  
They quickly found something to eat and then boarded the plane for Chicago. Once they were seated, Meg stared off out the window for a time and then asked, "Why did I leave you Ben. I know I did. Don't try to correct me, I left you but the why I don't know. You are a compassionate man, who would never have hurt me. Tell me Ben, what were we to each other?"  
  
"Meg we were in a awkward situation. I worked below you at the consulate. If we had been on equal ground there would have been no hesitation on either of our parts. We both knew that we could not act on what we felt, no matter how much either of us wanted to. Neither of us wanted to give up the RCMP. So we choose to part. I is hard to explain it all let me start at the beginning. I first came to Chicago in search of the the killers of my father...." Ben stopped and laughed.  
  
"Ben what is it? What is so funny." Meg asked look at him for the first time since they had begun speaking.  
  
"I have not said the in a long time. When we were in Chicago it seemed like I said is everyday. I need to explain why there was a Mountie running around Chicago with a member of the Chicago PD detective. Well anyway I helped Ray, the detective, solve the crime, but I had to turn in another Mountie and so I was exiled from Canada. No detachment wanted me and so I returned to work in Chicago. For a year I worked under Inspector Moffat, he was a fool. They finally replaced him while I was recovering from a gun shot wound in the back and then a plane crash."  
  
"A bullet wound in the back some criminal shot you in the back?" Meg asked trying to think of how that would have happened.  
  
"No, it was Ray Vecchio, the detective," Ben closed his eyes. How did one explain Victoria and what she had done to him. Meg knew most of the details, but she did not know the whole story, "There was this woman who I knew in the Yukon. In fact I arrested her and put her prison. Ten years later she came back for revenge. She twisted me around until I was no longer sure who I was. I was so lonely and she said she love me and wanted me in her life. I let her go, she has stolen some diamonds and killed her old partner, but I let her go. She got on a train and was leaving when she asked me to go with her. The next thing I knew I was running to catch the train, but just as I was in her arms, Ray shot at her but I got in the way. Then I was falling, I could not hold on to her as I fell the truth came to me. Someday I would have woken up and she would be gone. Her goal was to destroy me and that would have done it. I would have given everything up for her and I would have come to hate her and myself. She loved me but she hated me more."  
  
Ben stopped. It was the darkest hour in his life and he had failed. Ray would have lost his house and his faith in people. If you could not trust Benton Fraser who could you trust. A hand covered his, "Ben you are only human. You learned from your mistakes."  
  
Ben looked up at her and smiled, "Yes, I did, but it was a hard lesson. My first day back you called me into your office and told me that you did not like my uniform. I wore an older style of the RCMP uniform, and you said it was outdated. In fact you ordered me to wear another uniform that day. Which I promptly destroyed when I tried to drowned Ray and myself in a bank vault."  
  
Meg held up her hand, just as she usually did when he told her these stories, "You what? I would guess that there is a lot more to that story."  
  
"Ah," Ben pulled on his ear, he was not planning to go into detail about that one. Inspector Thatcher did not usually want to hear the whole story, but she was just Meg now, "Ray was having trouble with his bank because some computer had declared him dead. While we were trying to sort it out, there was a bank robbery. So to save the funds in the vault I locked Ray and myself in there. The I broke the sprinkler head so that when the bank robbers blew open the door they would be knocked unconscious by the water in the vault."  
  
"Constable that is an interesting way to foil a bank robbery." Meg said with a smile on her face.  
  
"Thank you sir, but at the time you did not think so. How did you know I was a Constable? I never identified myself as such did I. Have you remembered more."  
  
Meg thought for a moment shaking her head, "It just came out. It seemed so natural to call you that."  
  
"Well, I was a Constable then but now I am a Corporal. That is enough talking for now you are tired. You need some rest. Our arrival in Chicago will be early. I called the consulate they are expecting us. Almost everyone will be out at some function," Ben said trying to find somewhere more comfortable in the seat and went to sleep.  
  
Meg looked at him intrigued by this man who had come thousands of kilometers to find her. Why did he do it, did he love her or was it a friendship that had grown out of those feelings he had once had. Another flash a memory came, a gun pressed to her temple and Ben retreating as the caboose slowed and the train sped on. Meg sees him poised to try and jump the widening gap to save her. An older man grabs him and stops him, but there is a look on his face. He would do anything to save her but he is out of options. He must let her go and make another plan, but he would save her if it cost him his life.  
  
How she feels for Benton Fraser flashes like lightning. She loves him and has from the eggs and omelet. Meg shakes her head. The memories of those incidents are not there yet on the surface, they swirl around just below. She loves him but does he love her? There was a time that she would have said yes, but time has passed and she left him alone in the north.  
  
Meg shifted in her seat, she was tired but the slight nausea she felt was keeping her awake. Meg was unsure what she was going to do with the baby inside her. The only thing she knew for sure was that she could not kill it, but she might give it up for adoption. Give it up to some family who would love the child, didn't it deserve two parents who loved it?  
  
Ben had said she wanted a child, and this might be her only chance. What would she tell him or her when they asked about their father. Meg shook her head, she would cross that bridge when she came to it. Ben was right this child was a gift and she would not give it up. Meg would just have to find someone willing to be their father. Suddenly Ben's face as he stood before her offering just that, to give her a child and be it's father. He had stood there with his heart on his red sleeve and she had just let him walk away thinking she did not care. It had been one of the most courageous things he had done in the time that she knew him and she had kicked him when he was down. No wonder he let her go. You could only push a man away so many times before he went.  
  
She wanted to wake him up and let him know she did care for him. But most of all that she was sorry for that moment and all the others that were just on the edge of her consciousness. Tears began to flow and she pressed her face into his shoulder and wept for the time she had wasted and the worst was she really did not know why. Exhausted she finally fell asleep.  
  
Ben woke up and found Meg curled up beside him leaning on his shoulder. The pilot announced they would be landing in Chicago soon. Ben sighed. He had not been back since he and Stan had stowed away on that plane. Turnbull had shipped his things to his father's cabin once it had been rebuilt, until then everything had sat in his office waiting.  
  
His plan was to take a taxi and stop by the consulate and then check into a hotel for the night. After that they would walk through some of their memories together and visit Stan and Ray. Who would she be when she regained her memory, Meg or Inspector Thatcher? Shaking his head did it matter as long as they were together. He could not love one without loving the other.  
  
Later they stood outside the Consulate, where a Mountie stood at attention in front of the building. Meg walked up and waved, but the man did not move a muscle. Again a memory flashed, Ben standing the same way as a women runs her hands all over him, but he does not move or respond to her. Meg can feel herself getting mad and jealous. She could feel her fingers curling because she wanted to grab the woman by the hair and pull her away from Ben. The woman leaves and Meg's eyes connect with Ben's. She glares at him for some time and then walks into the consulate. As she closes the door she hears, "Oh dear."   
  
Ben touches he shoulder bringing her out of the memory, "Meg are you alright? Did you remember something else?"  
  
Meg turned to him, "Every memory that comes to me is about you. The train, the flowers and now you standing there like that guy and some women crawls all over you. Why Ben why is my life all about you?"  
  
Ben knuckled his eyebrow, "Meg, I don't know why all these memories are coming to the surface. I don't know how to explain this to you. There were complications and regulations that we had to follow. Also we were both so afraid, afraid to love someone else and to be loved. Let's go inside to see if you can remember anything else. "  
  
They entered the consulate and went into the room that used to be her office. It was almost the same. Meg looked around the room in her memory she could see it as she was and Ben standing before her desk. His back ramrod straight as she yelled at him for nothing. The current Inspector had only hung his own pictures over top of her decor. It was almost as though it was still her office.  
  
Meg spun around as more memories came to the surface, "You chose the curtains. The green and gold matched my eyes and I fired you. That day with the vault you came back here and told me you like your outdated uniform and you were proud to wear it. Then I fired you, but no body wanted you, so I tried to make you quit." Images flicked through her memory. Ben standing there again but this time holding her singed dry cleaning. Berating him because he could not find her the perfect bottle of scotch she had asked for. Sending him off the find her brooch. Telling him she will not be able to make it tonight because she had to go out with Henri Cloutier. The instances of abuse to Ben went on. Then standing together in the conference room and talking about their "contact" and the look on his face when he said he could not forget. The cutting of his lanyard during the Maggie episode. Her drunken escapade that one night when she was not really all that drunk. That night she had only wanted to see him, touch him and make him want her. Meg had wanted to know if he was still hers. She had would not allow them to admit their feelings or act on them but she wanted to know if his were still there. What had she learned that night? What she had seen as she looked into his eyes? The memory slipped away like water in her hand.  
  
Meg sank into the chair and put her head on the desk, "Ben, how can you even like me? I was horrible to you. I belittled you, sent you out for the stupidest things, yet you stood there and gave me the respect I did not deserve. How did you stand me. I truly was a Dragon Lady, I am surprised Ray did not call me worse."  
  
A smile twitched on his lips, "Sir, I mean Meg, I was not sure if you ever heard that. I always told Ray that it was inappropriate to call you that."  
  
"You are not the only one with trained hearing Benton Fraser. I don't like me right now. I don't want to remember anymore right now. Let's go to the hotel I would like some sleep." Meg turned to leave but Ben stopped her.  
  
"Meg you can't look at your life like that. You have only seen bits and pieces. And anyway after...."  
  
"After what Ben? When did I change because from what I remember I did not relent at all. I was horrible to everyone here. I was the worst to you, but you never hit back or punished me. Then I demanded your help with Henri and you did not hesitate. You even came to the restaurant to give me an excuse to leave. I never gave you a moments peace but you were always there when I needed you, just like now. "  
  
"Even after we were trapped in the egg incubator you eased up a little. You see when you arrived it was just after Victoria. My file made me out to be some officer who did not like authority. You judged me by that because that was all you had to go on, but as you came to know me that view changed. You came to respect me and see me as your partner an equal not just a subordinate. Yes, there were times personally I wanted to shake you until your teeth rattled, but as an Inspector you only treated me with the respect I deserved. It was as Meg you hurt me the most." They were so close, Meg looked up into his blue eyes. Why had she done what she had done to this man? Meg knew that she had tortured both of them. She closed her eyes wearily. It was too much to figure out.  
  
Ben saw her and gathered her into his arms, "Meg it will be alright. You will remember, just be patient." They walked toward the outer32.....................6 door when Meg stopped, "This was your office."  
  
Ben stopped beside her, "Yes, do you want to go inside?" Meg took his hand and nodded leading him inside. It was just the same as well all that was missing was the cot. The desk was not as neat as when Fraser was here. Meg walked over and opened the closet. There was nothing inside, "I found you in the closet twice, once you were alone and the other time you were in there with your sister. What were you doing in there?"  
  
Ben pulled at his ear, "Well I. You see my father used to come and visit me and he created an office for himself in my closet. Maggie was one of the people who could see him and so she could visit the office. We were there when you opened the closet door."  
  
Meg stopped and thought for a moment, "I knew your father. I met him during my first posting. We were on a flight to Rankin Inlet that was forced to land at a small trading post. The pilot and the owner proceeded to drink themselves to oblivion, but your father sat and talked to me. Three days we were stuck there because of the weather."  
  
"He talked about you. Your father was proud of you. He told me story after story about you, but the time we flew out of there you had become some superhero in my mind. I think I even loved you. He had a picture of you that he showed me. You were in your brown uniform standing beside your dad. Then when we crossed paths in Chicago and you fell from the pedestal and you still wore that uniform. I hated you, but over time I came to see that you were the man your father talked about, but you were human and I fell in love with you again. It was then I knew the whole you, but that scared me. You scared me."  
  
Ben froze for a moment, "You were never motioned in dad's journals. I think I recall the one you storm you are talking about, but it was a young female Constable called Rett who was trapped with him, not Meg or Margret."  
  
Meg smiled, "That is what he called me, Rett. He did not like Margret or Meg."  
  
Smiling back, "That is just like dad, but why did he not recognize you? He saw you quite often." Ben stopped, "He did know you. He was always trying to get me to let you know how I felt about you. It was at his encouraging I showed up in your office with the flowers that day. He thought you wanted me." Ben knuckled his eyebrow embarrassed. Touching his face, "Ben, I did."   
  
Ben stepped away from her touch unsure if her feelings were real or just a result of her fear of being alone. "Come on, you are tired. Let's get you to the hotel and you can take a nap. Then this evening we can meet Stan and Ray for dinner."  
  
They stopped at JC Penny and picked up some more clothes for the two of them. Dressed in her new pajamas Meg went to sleep quickly leaving Ben alone with his thoughts. He looked over at Meg sleeping in the other bed. He had booked two separate rooms, but she told him that she did not feel safe without him right there, even though he would have only been one door away. Meg did not want to be alone with her fears.  
  
As he lay on the bed Ben's thoughts turned to the time when he had lost his own memory and how Ray had walked him through his life in Chicago to try and get it back. He understood how Meg felt, but his memory had returned quickly all at once, not in bit a pieces like Meg's was. It was scary not to really understand who you were.  
  
Undressing and pulling on a pair of RCMP sweatpants and t-shirt Ben climbed into his own bed and lay there for a while thinking of his future. Ben wanted Meg in his life, but he needed to help her heal enough before he introduced that plan. He had let her go once and he regretted every minute of it. Ben vowed he would not make that mistake again.   
  
A scream called him from the half doze he had fallen in and he sat upright trying to find its source. Meg lay in bed thrashing as though she was fighting with someone. Ben crossed the room and gently shook her, "Meg wake up. Meg, it's Ben you are safe. No one will hurt you." He grabbed her arms as she tried to strike him.  
  
Meg fought harder and began to beg. Ben dropped her hands and shook her again. Meg responded by throwing a punch and it slipped through and struck him. Meg froze, and opened her eyes. She focused on Ben and her arms dropped to her side, "They beat you. I can't remember the guys name, but I remember they lured you into an alley. It was Christmas time, and you were all alone."  
  
"Yes, they did but I lived. Can you remember anything else?"  
  
"Bits and pieces of my childhood and the name of my third grade teacher. I am sorry I hit you. I never wanted to hurt you, but I did. I can't remember my reasons were but I know I did and I am sorry, Ben."  
  
Ben reached up and touched her tears. In all the time he had known her Ben had never seen Inspector Thatcher cry, but that was not who was here with him, it was Meg. Her voice startled him,"Ben can you hold me, I don't want to be the Icequeen anymore, she is too cold. I want to feel your warmth."  
  
Ben hesitated and dropped his hand. He was not sure what she wanted. Meg saw the confusion in his eyes and said, "Hold me Ben. Just hold me. I don't want to remember my dreams and you can banish the shadows."  
  
Pulling back the covers Ben climbed into bed and gathered her up in his arms. Meg lay there stiffly for a moment and then she turned her face against his chest and cried until she fell asleep again. Ben lay there staring at the ceiling, breathing in her scent. Her memory was returning and would that mean that she would leave him again, did she had regrets too. Settling her more comfortably in his arms Ben drifted to sleep himself.  
  
Darkness had fallen when Ben woke and he found Meg gone. He panicked until he saw her standing at the balcony edge starring off into space. She did not move as he came to stand next to her, "Ben who am I? I am going to have a child that I am not sure if I want, but I can't end its life before it has a chance to live. What did he or she ever do to deserve that? How could I punish someone innocent for my choices. I don't want to be alone anymore, but the only person I know is you and what are we? You say that it was complicated but the truth was I was this scared little person who hid behind my Inspector title and did not live. I hid behind the regulations. If I truly loved you I would have acted nothing would have stopped me. What would they really have done to us. They would not have asked us to leave the RCMP, there was not impropriety or coercion. We loved each other, at least I love you. Why did I walk away?  
  
"Meg, how can I explain who I was then as well. My mother was murdered when I was six. I went to live with my grandparents because my dad was grieving so much he could not look at me. They raised me and dad came to visit when he could but it was not often. I lived all over northern Canada and I was alone but not lonely.  
  
"Then I came here and I felt loneliness for the first time. Everything that I knew or learned no longer mattered. I drew myself in and hid how I felt. That was why Victoria almost destroyed me, she was a piece of home and the guilt I felt about her allowed her to pull me in to her web. Ray and some of the other people I knew there thought I was some kind of superman. Then you arrived and I saw myself reflected in your eyes. Both of us hid behind our titles we were two lost souls who did not have the courage to act. We had been hurt by people we loved and by the RCMP. You never said why you were sent here, but I took it was some sort of punishment. You never talked about your life so I can't tell you anything about that part of your life. You asked who you are? You are Margaret Thatcher. She is one of the strongest, beautiful, most capable people I know. Meg, you knew what you wanted out of life and to get that you had to leave me."  
  
Ben turned away and Meg watched the emotions play across his face. It had been that same when they were on the horse when she told him that their contact could not happen again unless the same circumstances were to happen again and again at the campsite the night before he caught Muldoon. She had pushed him away, not giving him a choice but instead locking both of them in a emotional cage. He was waiting for her, always for her to change her mind, to tell him it was okay to feel as he did, and now he waited for her memory, but she did not want him to wait. Meg had changed her mind about what she wanted, her career was no longer her life, she wanted Ben to take that spot, "Ben have you ever thought that what I thought I wanted was not hat I really wanted. Do you think that in these years since I left you that I might have changed my mind about what I wanted?"  
  
Meg remembered the fear she felt when ever Ben came to close to her heart. A fear that he did not love her enough or she him to find a compromise and so she had let him go rather then destroy themselves and their love. So she had ran to CSIS hoping to forget him and she had but was it worth the cost? Now she would give almost anything to remember everything.  
  
Meg laid her cheek against his back wrapping her arms around him, "Ben in your office today you backed away from me because you think my feelings are not genuine, that they are a result of you being the only person I remember, but its not. I remember my feelings, Ben I loved you then and I love you more today. I was afraid of how you made me feel but not now. I need you Ben, I need you in my life and by my side. I would like you to help me raise this child. I know it is not yours but could you stand by me and give this beautiful gift a home. Sometimes all you need it a second chance, and here you are. Ben, please."  
  
Ben stiffened at her words. Could it be true, she had loved him all along, but was it really love or just someone to latch on to now when she was terrified with no memory? What if there was someone else, someone she did not remember. Ben turned in her arms, he was so close to her, and asked her the same question that ran through her mind.  
  
Meg shook her head, "There was no one else. There never was, only distractions since you stood there and told me that you did not care what I thought about you or your uniform. You had your rights and you were going to exercise them. Ben do you realize that you are the first person who stood his ground with me in a long time. I was so used to me cowering at my every word and you made me love you. Do you hear me Ben I love you. You, Benton Fraser, every man I went out with from that moment on was only a shadow compared to you."  
  
Ben looked into her eyes and studied them for a moment, and saw what he was looking for. He bend down and touched his lips to hers and it was like coming home for the both of them. Suddenly it all came back to her, like a flood. Meg's life ran before her until the moment Ben knelt before her in the Displaced Persons camp. Tears began to flow. She remembered the good times they had. The night they went out for coffee. The day she shoved that Mexican agent out to the way and cleaned Ben's neck herself. The moment in the incubator just before Ben opened the door. On the Bounty when she told him he did not have to fill out his missing report.  
  
Meg pulled away, "I remember. Its all back. Ben I am so sorry for what I did to you and me. I never gave us a chance and I never asked you what you wanted. Instead I pulled rank. Can we begin again? I need you, once I left you I only existed I never lived. There were some days when I just wanted to die it hurt so much, but I could not come after you. I had left and would you even want me? My pride prevented me, Ben can you forgive me?"  
  
"No," Ben reached up and touched her tears, "There is nothing to forgive. I could have come after you but my own pride prevented me. So Margret Thatcher we are the same and we would have let our fear and pride destroy our lives. We have been given a gift in a second chance and a new life. Marry me Meg, make me the happiest man in the world."   
  
By now Ben was crying too Meg reached up and touched his tears, "Yes, Ben I will be Mrs. Fraser." He sighed and pulled her into his arms and spun her around and then he kissed her. They stayed that way dancing to no music until there was a pounding on the door, "Hey Benny are we going to dinner or what? I am starving and Stan here is too. Let's go, Ma has cooked up a storm."  
  
Ben looked at Meg, "Shall we or do you want to stay here?" She shook her head, "No let's go and eat with them. We can tell them about the wedding and begin to make plans. Let's get married at the consulate before we head north again."  
  
He pulled her tighter, "Yes sir."  
  


  
 

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End Memory Lapse by Kelleth Metheus 

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